Cleaning Failure

A week or two ago I posted a cleaning schedule that I was going to try.  I really only ended up trying it one day because I quickly discovered that even that “simple” schedule was too much for me.

This is embarrassing to admit, but I feel like this is the only area of my life that I can’t get a handle on.  Everything else in life I feel like I can take strides and have action steps and a plan to get where I want to go.  Everywhere else in life I feel like I am on the right track.  But somehow, with being orderly and cleanly I feel like I fail every time I try.  And this feeling of failure permeates into other areas of life.  I can’t even keep my house picked up, how can I [insert any activity or interest here]?  It is so frustrating.  My mom commented on my last post with the idea that it just needs to start by simply picking up after myself and getting the kids and husband to do the same thing.  The hubby is much better about picking up dishes and stuff after he’s used them, but even then, they only get as far as the sink, not the dishwasher.  But it’s still way better than me leaving them on the table or nightstand or wherever.  This goes for everything.  In short, I am a slob.  And I don’t want to be.  I hate that I am a slob and that I am embarrassed if someone comes over unannounced.  It’s just that every time I go to clean something, just the thought of it overwhelms me and I get this incredible urge to nap.  It’s almost as if my body and mind are allergic to picking up and cleaning.  That sounds ridiculous, I know, but I seriously feel a physical exhaustion just at the thought of doing it.  It is so incredibly embarrassing to say out loud, but it is my biggest struggle right now.

Just to give you an example, here are some pictures of the apartment in the current state it’s in:

It is bad, I know.  And it effects so many areas in my life.  I know it stresses my husband out to come home after a long day at work to a disaster of a house.  I don’t like it either.  It affects friendships too, because I never feel comfortable inviting people over.  My mom knows that I am like this and accepts me for it, but I don’t even like having her come into my mess.  It makes me feel like such a failure.  I am so proud of myself in so many areas of my life.  But this – this disgusts me.  And I don’t know how to fix it!  Sure the easy answer is to just pick up.  I know.  But somehow it’s not that easy for me.  I wish it were.  For my sake.  For my family’s sake.  For my friend’s sake.

Another answer might be to have my husband help out more since he is naturally at least a little better about it than me.  But I am the one living in it, creating the mess with the kids.  Not him.  And he works so much and so hard, I don’t feel it’s fair to have him come home and have to work too.  Sure, if he makes a mess he can clean it up.  But I feel WAY too guilty and actually get a little upset if he starts to clean up my mess, or the kids mess.  I don’t get upset with him, although that’s the way it comes out.  But I get upset with myself.  I should be able to handle it.  It makes me feel like a failure as a wife when he has to clean up after me.

At bible study, we send around a prayer request sheet so people can pray over each other until we meet again.  Today was bible study and that is the only thing that I put on my prayer request:  to find the motivation and a system that works for me to keep my house tidy and clean.  How both awesome and sad is that?  Awesome because this is my biggest struggle, frustration, worry and area where I feel out of control and that I need help with right now.  I feel so incredibly blessed that this is all I need to pray about (for myself) this week.  But it’s sad because Seriously??  THIS is what I’m praying about?  How pathetic that I am such a slob that I need to put it on a prayer sheet to help me change my ways.  This is so easy for some people and such an overwhelming struggle for me.

Anyway, I don’t really know where this post is going or what the point of it is.  Maybe it was just to update on the fact that I gave up on that cleaning schedule already.  Maybe it was just to air my dirty laundry.  Maybe it’s to elicit more prayers in this area of my life or to open the doors to any and all suggestions hoping that something somebody says clicks and makes all the difference to me.  Mostly, I think the point is that the first step towards recovery is always admitting you have a problem.  As embarrassing as it is, I have a problem.  I hope that by “coming clean” forces will begin working in my life to help me “become clean.”

Thanks for reading.