Have you ever been striving for something only to take a step back later and realize that’s not what you want at all? Have you ever hoped all your life to have something but never really thought about how you would feel if you got it but it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be? Or maybe you looked forward to something so much and when the time came you didn’t want it anymore?
I have. I worked my butt off to get an accounting degree and become a CPA. I had hoped to eventually become a partner at a public accounting firm or the CFO of a company. When I had the opportunity to take a step back from accounting I realized I didn’t really want to be in that field at all. It was, and still is somewhat hard to let go of, especially as I am still paying off student loans. But I don’t get any fulfillment from it. I don’t feel a purpose. I am still trying to find my exact purpose. Maybe it’s this blog. Maybe it’s with Beachbody. Maybe it’s something else in the health & wellness field. I don’t know. But I do know that I am happier having shed the skin of the accounting dream.
Something I have hoped for: I have always hoped to have a girl. I wanted a boy and once he was two I wanted a girl, just like it was with my brother and I. When we found out at twenty weeks with the second that he was a boy, I was super disappointed. I wanted a girl so bad. The reason I wanted a girl is not because I thought it would be fun to dress her up in cute dresses and stuff. I wanted a girl for what I hoped would be an incredible relationship with her as an adult. My mom was best friends with my Grandma. They talked every night until my Grandma passed away. Now my mom and I are best friends. My life stage right now, with two kids under 4, doesn’t easily allow for nightly calls but we talk at least once a week and I also see her in person once a week. This is one of the most special relationships I could have ever imagined. I wanted a girl so much so as to recreate this bond with the next generation. However, when I stop to think about it, I really have no desire in raising a girl. I am a tomboy myself and having already had one boy, I know how to deal with them. I know the pain and heartache I caused my mom when I was a teenager, and I really am not sure that I could handle being on the other side of it and having a teenage girl. I have built up this perfect mother/daughter relationship in my head for so long that if I did have a daughter there is no way it would ever measure up and I would only feel disappointed. So, I have let go of that life planned and instead am making room for life to surprise me. Maybe I will find that special relationship with one of my sons. Maybe I will find it in a daughter-in-law. Or maybe somebody completely unrelated. I don’t know, but I am excited to find out.
Something I have looked forward to: When my first was born I remember looking forward to those preschool/kindergarten years that seemed so far off. I looked forward to having somewhere to drop him off for a few hours while I got a part time job. Now that the preschool year is upon us, I don’t want that anymore. We are choosing to home-school preschool and then will decide year to year after that.
If I had held on to any of those ideas and plans for my life too tightly, there is the potential that I would have missed out on so much good. We can plan all we want, and its great to have goals, but if we ever lose sight of why we have those plans and those goals and are just blindly going after them, we may be missing out on the things that are truly supposed to be in our life. We must reach for our goals, but always keep our eyes and ears open to other possibilities. There may be something better out there just waiting for us. As the sun is setting in one area of our life, if we just look around the horizon we may find something incredible.
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